[ it's like a self-filling cup. she brightens, if only a bit, and then he brightens in turn. seeing the way he lightens just by the sight of her makes her feel lighter, and suddenly it feels a little ridiculous. all of the weight, and the worry, all for nothing- because now that they are here, now that she has him next to her under the warm light of those cheap string christmas lights, she feels like maybe she'd been worried about nothing.
it wouldn't be the first time - when she got too far into her own head and ruined something that was actually decent, something that was good. and she knows it's self-sabotaging, to get so wrapped up in something that has no real proof, to spiral so intensely that it ruins the entire holiday. she's being selfish, and she knows she is, and she needs to stop. because this? this with logan? is something she feels like she hasn't had in a long time.
a sense of security. a feeling of being seen. the routine that she and logan have built up is probably the only reason she's anywhere near as settled as she is. because this city? this place? it's not made for settling. the motels and transient nature of the population, the people who come and go - some who simply disappear out into the fringes, some who manage to find a place in the temporary nature of it all, it feels wrong. but it's also starting to feel a bit like home.
this - this room, with the tv on, sharing a meal logan's brought home, smiling across the table at each other - this feels like home. where she can look up and see a bit of a smile flicker cross logan's face, and her chest can flutter, the tiniest bit.
because somehow karen knows, and doesn't know, what this feels like. the closest she'd had to this had been a trailer in the woods, college parties and cocaine. it had been a boyfriend who she thought she loved and a dead-end life, where she had thought that had been the height of what she deserved. now? now she knows better. know when she takes the time to order him his favorite drink before he gets to the bar, it's because she loves him. knows that when she folds his socks, fixes his jeans, stacks his books up on his side of the bed, it's because she loves him. knows that, at the end of the day, when she is sitting at work waiting for the shift to end just so she can head home and sit on the bed with him, while they both sit up in bed with their books, or her checking the network, or-
it is home. this has become home. and while in the back of her head she is thinking about new york, about getting home, about her father and matt and foggy, that feeling in her chest that makes it urgent feels less and less intense, as the days go by.
no, no. i like it here. with you.
karen's smile, this time, feels a bit more... not hesitant, exactly, but pleased. like she hadn't been sure and hadn't realized how unsure she'd felt, until she asked. it's the kind of smile that is more to herself, as her eyes go down to her plate, her next bite, as her other hand tucks some of her hair behind her ear.
his question draws her attention back up, chewing through the bite of roll. ] Me? [ would she? want to be somewhere else? her eyes get a bit wide before she shakes her head, swallows. ] No, not at all. [ she reaches over and sets her hand on his wrist. ] This is exactly where I want to be.
[ she squeezes, once, and smiles at him - and it feels... too honest, in a lot of ways. like he can read her mind as she thinks god, what is wrong with me? this is perfect.
it's a moment or so later before she takes her hand back, reaching for her glass of wine. she considers briefly whether or not she wants to say anything. it's only after a sip that she exhales, and with that exhale the rest of her holding back seems to go with it.
because karen knows that logan is perceptive, and that he's more than likely picked up on her mood. she doubts he would ask, and she gets the feeling that would only make it worse, so. ]
I regret taking on shift last night. I would have rather spent it with you.
[ which is. the majority of the truth, even if it's not all of it. ]
[ People close to him get hurt. And when he gets close to people, he gets hurt, too. He hasn't stopped trying, not exactly. There's been a scant handful over the years, faces trapped under the ice in a past he can't grasp, women he was never really meant to have, women he left before they could be used against him.
But he's never done it how he has with Karen. Not for a long time. Somewhere buried under the vortex of his memories, he thinks of dark hair, blue eyes, and that might've been the first and last time he let himself really feel something for someone who returned it, who longer than a week with him.
(Except...)
He'd been fooling himself then. He wants to say he's not fooling himself now.
Her hand falls on his wrist. Logan smiles. When it comes down to it, he's always been shit at hiding how he feels; she can probably read the affection in his eyes, but also a flicker of a question. Because she's right: he can sense her moods, and she might mean it, saying that she doesn't want to be anywhere else, but something was obviously still bothering her this morning. Something she isn't saying.
Until she does.
Surprise flickers over his face. He leans back from his plate, balanced on his lap. That's what's on her mind? His posture relaxes slightly. Is that it? She just...missed him? He hadn't realized she might've wanted the evening together. He'd thought—y'know, they see each other plenty. Not that he doesn't like spending time with her, just. Didn't think it was that important to her. ]
You should've called.
[ The X-Men hardly needed him all night; it's enough he showed at all. Opened gifts. Put up the tree. Played a round of Jenga. By the time evening rolled around, he'd already been there a few hours, anyway, just setting up and making sure nothing collapsed or got set on fire. (Wiring's not foolproof yet, they still need a damn electrician in.)
He squeezes her hand back. Guess it was too late to back out on the day of, huh? But— ] I'd have left early to take you home.
[ He'd kinda missed her, too. He's always had an easier time falling asleep next to her. ]
[ it is different - their lives, the way they view relationships, how it is they see this working out. but also somehow not all that different at all. because when karen thinks back on her own relationships, the people who have gotten hurt because of her, the people who have hurt her, back - it's complicated, it has left bodies, it's not something she could easily describe to anyone (even herself). they are people who meant something important to her. still mean something to her. and she doesn't know how to explain that.
and she's thankful, in a lot of ways, that logan has never asked her to. didn't ask why she didn't seem as affected as she probably should have been after learning about logan and cassian. why she can be so upset about wade hiding dead bodies behind the diner, but shoot down a creature in the back of a warehouse and not bother looking back. she feels like a hypocrite, more often than she doesn't ( and maybe that has more to do with this than she thought. )
except that for right now, logan smiles, and karen smiles at him back. she does feel the fondness, the affection. knows that what he feels is real- how he cares about her, how this is real, how they're both hovering somewhere around skittish and settled. logan, more than her, perhaps - but even karen is worried about what this might mean. how intense the feelings are, and how they feel like they just keep. growing. like now, when he smiles, with affection in his eyes and karen feels like she is something, like this is possible. but she also sees the question, knows that he's worried, and...
the surprise that flickers across his eyes almost has her pulling her hand back, just a bit. the briefest flick of worry. you should've called. ]
I know. [ and she feels bad for it. that she didn't call. that she didn't tell him while it was happening. she feelts guilty for being in a bad mood all day and a bit like she's single handedly ruined the entire holiday, and-
it wasn't her first christmas eve alone. it probably wouldn't be her last. but that isn't logan's problem, by any means- she should have texted, or called. she should have said something. she shouldn't have just sat at the bar and felt sorry for herself. god, she's pathetic, isn't she? this isn't her.
karen sighs, shakes her head a little and reaches up to comb back her hair from her face. a lot of it is just stalling, feeling small now that she's thinking back on it, but also. she exhales, and decides it's not really worth holding back onto anymore. ]
I just- I didn't want to take you away from your family. It felt... selfish?
[ Karen draws back. Logan reaches out, cupping her cheek. He doesn't mean to make her feel guilty about it, y'know? He's just trying to figure out what's wrong 'cause he can't help thinking it's a bit his fault, even if he knows it isn't that straightforward. But he's the one sitting here with her, and he's the one who walked into the room this morning and saw her smile falter, and hell, she's important to him. He wants her to have a nice Christmas. It's as simple as that.
He shakes his head. ] They got me the rest of the year. I was only putting chairs away by the end. [ He hesitates. ] I should've called, too. I just thought...you were busy. I don't know. You were out pretty late—
[ He exhales, feeling like a damn fool. Feeling bad that he let her come home alone and didn't show up 'til after she was in bed, but it didn't cross his mind she was by herself all night. He's wondering, did he miss something? Should they have made plans that evening, too?
He tucks her hair behind her ear. Kinda wish she'd mentioned this earlier, that's all. ] Look at me. Last thing you gotta do is worry about being selfish with me.
[ She's put up with a lot from him, okay? He's well aware of that. He's aware he took off on her that night, that he nearly got her hurt in that warehouse, that he sometimes leaves for days before returning with blood on his clothes. He's aware he nearly killed her friend, and she's still here, wanting to spend the day with him. So...yeah. It means a lot. She means a lot. If she'd asked him to leave early, he'd have done it.
In a way, he's gotta ask where she got the impression he wouldn't. Sure, he's close with the team. But it's not as if he's talked about them like he's attached at the hip. For all that Logan loves them, he's not the kind of guy who wants people hanging around him all hours, and he's not a big sharer. He brings them up when she asks him what he's been up to or where he's been. That's about it. He doesn't chat about them without prompting. Besides, what'd she want to hear about them, anyway? When he's with her, he's mostly thinking about her, not the team.
(Maybe here's where he could've said, You didn't have to take me away. You could've come in with us. We had a bunch of leftovers. He doesn't. It never crosses his mind to because what she's told him is, I wanted to be with you. And that's, well—it's not a problem that involves the others.) ]
[ with his hand at her cheek, karen can't help but turn her eyes back to him. to tilt her hand into the palm of his hand. she likes the way his hands feel, something she's thought about, noticed, relishes in whenever she gets the chance. and right now feels a little complicated, maybe, but even then karen can't help but want to lean into it. it's why her hand comes up and she curls her fingers around his wrist, why she smiles, even when if it's small, even if it's... not hesitant, exactly, but it's coming together.
they got me the rest of the year. but so does she, in a way. so it doesn't make her less selfish, doesn't make her feel much better, especially when the small voice in the back of her mind says but i wanted to be there too. because that's what was selfish, in the end. coupled with the fact she just couldn't bring herself to what... say anything? to contact him? to tell him what she was worried about, or thinking, or why it screwed itself so tightly up in her chest? ]
No, no- this isn't on you. I'm sorry. I didn't- [ she shakes her head, though not enough to fully pull away from his hand on her cheek. if anything, she feels herself lean back into it. karen's eyes end up falling closed, exhaling once through her nose.
because it is her fault. it wasn't his responsibility to call. she had taken the shift and she hadn't texted him and he was with family. his people. of course he would be wrapped up in what he was doing, his focus would be on the moment, and that is part of what makes karen feel a bit sick to her stomach. that she feels so young, she feels so immature, she feels so selfish, again, to want something this much and want for logan to know it without her saying anything.
when he reaches up and tucks her hair behind her ear, that is what finally gets her eyes to his face again. they're wide, open, listening to the way he says she doesn't have to worry about being selfish with him, and karen... melts, in a way, her shoulders dropping and her expression softening at the words. for a moment, maybe two, her eyes just sort of scan over his face and features. what she feels, for a moment, is overwhelming. something full and overpowering, despite her knowing better. nothing about this city, or how they got here, or what has happened is easy. nothing is simple, nothing is uncomplicated, nothing is just... normal. but looking at logan in that moment, seeing him look back at her, part of her wonders if they can. ]
God, I love you.
[ it's said on an exhale, like it slips out of her without really realizing it, and in the moments that follow she feels her face get warm. feels the flush go across her cheeks, out to her ears, down her neck. in an effort to distract from it, she leans forward and kisses him, smiling as she pulls back.
in truth - it doesn't feel like a confession. the words that slip out aren't making her nervous, or like she should try and take them back. part of that comes from the fact she's been thinking it for so long, now. feels like she has felt it for so long that having it said aloud just feels natural. as natural as her smile, when she looks at him now. ]
[ When he's with her, it makes him feel like he's the type of man who could have this. A little tree in the corner, presents on Christmas morning, a girl to spend the evening with. He wants it. He does. The truth is, he's always wanted something quiet, free of the shadows that've followed him for decades. He'd just let go of the idea that he could have it. That even if he managed to grab hold of it somehow, he'd lose it sooner or later.
But some days, out here, he wonders if he could get a new start. You know? The Sentinels didn't follow them through whatever black hole sucked them here. Charles is right. There isn't anything left for him to go back to except the ashes of what he once called home. What he has here, this is it. So if he can look after the people he's found in this place, that's enough. Might even be a good thing. Might even give him something to be past the war he's been caught up in.
He wants that new start to involve Karen. And for a while, he thought it could. But tonight, he's realizing...he doesn't know. Even though she hasn't said it, even though she's telling him all she wanted was to spend more time with him, a small part of him's already decided that can't be the whole story. She sounds so goddamn lonely, it aches, and he feels stupidly blind to not have seen it before. Of course she's lonely. There's nothing here for her, in the same way there isn't anything back home for him. All she's got is a shitty diner job and him, and the idea that he'd ever be a reason for her to let go of the life she had, that she no doubt wants back, is fucking ridiculous.
(And that's okay. It is. It just also begins a steadily growing certainty that whatever he has with her, he can't pretend it'll last.)
I love you escapes her so easily, he nearly misses it at first. Logan blinks. Then her lips are on his, and maybe that's the reason she doesn't glimpse the flicker across his face as his brain whirls along. He lets his eyes fall shut, leaning into the kiss.
It's nice to hear. Warm.
By the time he pulls back, he's wearing a small smile. He's letting it happen, okay? He's not gonna think about how she's wasting those words on him (she is), and he's not gonna act like he doesn't feel the same when he does. ]
Yeah? [ He rolls his thumb over her fingers. ] Me, too.
[ It's quiet, not exactly tentative, but not really something he admits often out loud. He doesn't let himself hover in that space too long, either, standing up when she brings up presents. Under the tree is a glittery gold bag printed with snowflakes. Her name's written on the tag in surprisingly neat cursive—remnants of muscle memory, perhaps, from the studious, bed-bound boy he used to be. ]
Ladies first.
[ He's gone out of his way not to be too practical about what he got her. The practical stuff, he gives her on the daily. He'd wanted this to be special. More. So inside, she'll find a couple of things: a pair of earrings that he might've had some help picking out because they somehow (mostly) match the outfit she wore on their first date despite the fact that Logan can't match jewellery to save his life; and a stuffed toy—a wolverine, specifically. The reason for it is around its neck, the chain wrapped a couple of times, his dog tag hanging from the end. Just one, its twin long snapped off.
Ever since he found it, he's been wondering what to do with it. Been burning a hole in his pocket. It's his and it isn't. He got rid of it for a reason. Now it's found its way back, a carved-out chunk of his history.
He hasn't shared it with her, that side of him. He figures...maybe it's about time. Maybe it won't hurt to give over one more piece of himself. ]
[ that is one, of many, things that they look at differently.
because Logan looks at this room, with a tree in the corner and presents wrapped and stacked, silverware that she brought home from her diner job and the motel room, a little cooler than karen would necessarily like, but it’s easier to put on extra socks than deal with the fire hazard of the in-room heater. logan sees this all as a chance, as something more normal than he has waiting for him if he does ever decide to go home, and karen… karen is happy with what they’ve pulled together. with the cobbling of a life that has happened. but even with all that they’ve brought together, with each set of decorations or each holiday they go out for, with each day they spend curled up watching some off-brand show while Logan flips through worn paperbacks, she can’t shake the feeling that something about this all is temporary.
because it has to be, doesn’t it? this city, the nightmares out in the fringes… she can’t be here for the rest of her life. not with Matt and Foggy back home, her dad, her life. ( and maybe she thinks about frank, maybe she doesn’t. maybe she can’t quite bring herself to think that he would be there when she got back, considering how they last left things. )
logan is, whether she means for him to be or not, the only steadying force she has. the motel room, the job at the diner, her car- he is an inextricable part of the only consistent things she has. even wade is tied into him, and through this - through him - she’s made it as far as she has. there’s a voice in the back of her head that whispers how dangerous that can be, just how much she’s ignoring how dependent she is, but she also thinks that’s okay. that can be okay. didn’t he just tell her that she didn’t have to worry about being selfish with him? up until now that had simply been how things were, their relationship, their lives. Now?
now she can’t help but notice the scratch in the record, the skip over the tune.
karen had wanted him to invite her to spend christmas with his family because, in part, she’d wanted to feel like she was as much of logan’s life as he was of her’s. had wanted to feel like she was as important to him, as wound as tightly to him, as he was to her. but maybe that’s impossible. maybe that was never, truly, possible.
maybe that was just the first crack at the stone wall.
I love you comes too easily, maybe, but it is the truth - she feels it with her whole chest, her whole heart. and while she tries to cut herself off from caring about the reaction, a part of her looks for the reaction. catches, if only briefly, the blink before she kisses him, and then the warm smile he’s wearing when she pulls away. it settles (but doesn’t remove) that unsettled feeling in her chest, makes her breathe a little easier.
me, too
that is enough for her right now, she decides, and then she mentions presents and logan is already on his feet. karen resettles on the worn out couch, her expression light and expressive when he grabs for one of the bags with beautiful cursive on the tag and hands it over to her. she looks to him with a bright, almost childish sort of smile as he says ladies first. ]
If you insist.
[ she’s careful with the tissue paper and the wrapping, and even more so when she reaches the gift itself. the earrings she unpacks first, her eyes brightening at the sight of them. her attention goes from the jewelry to logan, immediately clocking the similar color, the outfit, the connection that he must have thoughts about. it fills her chest with a kind of sparkling, intense light. depending on if he has settled down next to her on the couch or across from her on the small table, she is going to reach over to wherever he is and kiss him. ] I love them. [ and it’s genuine, the kind of thing she is going to cherish, be careful with, wear for specific dates or dinners or something where it shows how much they’ll matter to her.
it will be another moment or so - possibly even some casual nudging from Logan - to get her to realize there’s something else in the bag. she gives him a look, the kind of this is too much expression as she reaches in and pulls out the stuffed toy. she turns it over in her hands, curious at first as to what the animal even is before she locks it, and then before she sees the glint of the chain. her fingers follow the chain around its neck until they come to the dog tag.
karen’s brow furrows, just briefly, as she reads the name and then her eyes flick up to Logan, feeling a few details that he has told her, scattered throughout their time together, almost fit into place. ] What’s this? [ she asks, gentle and curious, even though she thinks she knows.
maybe, perhaps, she just wants to hear it from him directly, too. ]
[ His fingers twist together while she opens her present—not nervous, just anticipating. He's pretty sure she'll like it, but he's waiting to see how she reacts, like if he blinks, he risks missing her face lighting up. And it does light up, and he smiles wider, his gaze dropping briefly to the box in her hands before he leans into the kiss.
The jewellery's not the important bit, though. She seems to recognize that, too. Logan reaches out, lifting the old worn-down tag with his finger. ]
When I first came to, really came to and started putting together where I was, who I was—I was wearing this. I remember staring at it for fucking ages, trying to remember where the hell it came from. [ He exhales quietly. It's complicated. ] After I came to the X-Men, I kept the name. That's what they started calling me. Wolverine.
[ Magneto refers to it as a mutant name, your true name. The kids liked to think of it as a secret name or a code name, eager to pick them out for each other. Charles sees his as an affectionate nickname from the students. For Logan, it's less straightforward. He doesn't recall choosing it. Must've earned it at some point, he expects, but either way, he did choose to keep it and use it. It means something to him. He's as much the Wolverine as he is Logan, and truth is, if Karen lived in his world, she'd probably already know it by now. Might've even heard it before she met him.
Here, he hasn't left his mark the same. It's not a negative, exactly. He's got a lot of regrets. A long list of enemies. Things that simply aren't nipping at his heels on the Diadem. Clean-slated.
Except that's not altogether true, either, is it? 'Cause sure, most people here don't know him or his reputation, but he knows. He knows what he did. He knows the kind of person he was, the kind of person he can become again. He's always guarded his past carefully as a result. But he doesn't think he needs to do that so much with Karen anymore.
Anyway.
He lifts the stuffed toy and gives it a gentle squeeze, wiggling one of its fuzzy paws at her. ] Thought he might keep you company when I'm not around.
[ logan lifts his fingers to the worn tag, and karen watches them - notices the soft way he tilts the metal, reads over the text, and then as he starts talking her eyes turn to him, fully. really listening, because she feels like she can hear something in his voice. something... softer, yes, but also true. honest. not in the way where logan would ever lie about this, but in the way where he has decided to open up this book just for her to see in this moment, and she wants to take in every moment she gets.
she notices a few things that she's not sure she's supposed to focus on - his complicated exhale, the distant way he says where the hell it came from. how there is something off about 'i kept the name' and 'that's what they started calling me'. wolverine.
ah. she looks at the stuffed toy, the wolverine of its own kind, and then can't help but smile - turning the face of the stuffy towards her and tilting its head a little, before turning it back to him just in time for him to reach forward and lift the plush. with her hands free, she softens a bit, watching him stare at the wolverine plush and wiggling one of its paws at her.
thought he might keep you company when i'm not around.
karen stills - not because anything he says catches her, but because she suddenly feels overwhelmed. by logan, by this, by the moment and the care and the thought he's so obviously put into it. it makes her feel a little small, but also makes her feel so seen, so much that she doesn't know what to do with it. so for a few moments, she just sort of watches the stuffed animal, watches as logan waves one of its paws at her, and then - with somewhat watery eyes, reaches for the stuffed animal back. she presses a kiss to the top of its head. ]
I love him. [ which sounds... somehow different, somehow more than how she'd said it about the earrings. she takes her time to untangle the tag and slip it over her head, running her thumb over it for a moment or two before shaking her head and wiping away the corner of her eyes and exhaling a laugh. ]
Wow. How am I supposed to follow that? I should have gone first. [ she hands the stuffed animal to logan, more so to make sure he has something to do with his hands, as she stands to gather her gifts for him - three distinct packages that she sets at his feet before returning to her seat, and taking back the wolverine.
inside each, depending on which one he opens first, will be:
- a guardian bell for his motorbike, simple, without much design. - a box full of about four or five paperback novels, though most of them are probably strange parodies she did manage to at least fine one john steinback - a watch, older, well-worn but well-tended, with an inscription on the back.
until he decides how he wants to go about opening them, karen's going to sit, somewhat nervous, somewhat excited, holding tight to the stuffed wolverine. ]
[ He'd felt a little stupid, at the start, with the presents. He doesn't do this a whole lot—first time in years he's gone Christmas shopping—and in his mind, they're just a couple of dumb things, a bit of costume jewellery and a toy he'd hoped would get a smile out of her 'cause. Look at it. It's cute. And Karen's the kind of girl he knows would've kept a sentimental teddy bear or something in her bedroom, and he also knows she's not exactly eager for it, the nights when he's tied up with a job and she's spent it alone.
But she looks more affected than he thought.
He softens, watching her kiss the wolverine's fluffy head. The stitching on one of its eyes is lopsided, locking it in permanent consternation.
Then his eyebrow cocks at series of packages. ] I don't know. [ He reaches for the nearest one. ] It's looking like you went the extra mile.
[ He slits the tape with a single extended claw, folding back the cheerful wrapping paper. The book titles get a light chuckle out of him, and the bell is...not surprising, just. Not a tradition he expected she's familiar with, but it's sweet. The watch is what takes him a moment, though, before his thumb finds the grooves at the back. He'd mentioned, offhand, that he needs another watch—smashed it in the crash earlier that month, the one he hasn't told her about and likely won't—but the engraving at the back, that's...
Oh. Yeah. He remembers. Not because he gave a damn about the song, but because she'd said she liked it and so he'd started to listen. ]
You know, you're the first girl who's gotten me onto the dance floor in two decades. [ He'd do it again, with her. He tugs her close, lips brushing hers, a breath releasing after like a weight lifting. ] Thank you.
[ For the presents, sure, but. For being here, mostly. With him. ]
[ he might have felt a little stupid with the presents, just as karen is... almost caught off-guard by them. it's not so much that she thought she would have been forgotten - she does know logan cares about her, knows that he had been preparing for christmas in his own way, just like she had. it's more that some part of her had assumed (just like she'd assumed with last night, something that she should probably take note of how it's not working for her) that he wasn't the kind of guy that did presents. wasn't the kind of guy who thought about them.
and now that she's got the stuffed wolverine in her arms and the dog tags around her neck, she feels... ridiculous. for even thinking as much. instead, she's full of that same feeling of being seen, of being appreciated, of being loved, and it makes her feel a little punch drunk with it. ]
They're not that big. I just thought you might need them, and- [ she shrugs, reaches for her glass and takes a long sip as she watches him unwrap them. she makes some comment, added thoughts she had around the books (some were her favorite, some she's not actually sure if its the same book she remembers, one that she has no idea what it's supposed to be about but looked interested) and the bell (a tradition she is familiar with, though only partially). it's when he starts to unwrap the watch that she quiets, watches him look it over, find the engraving.
at his words, she breaks into a smile - feeling the relief of a present landing - and lets him pull her close. she uses the momentum of him pulling her in to get her knee over his legs, effectively straddling him across the couch as he pulls her in for a kiss. she smiles into it, liking the sound of his breath, of the weight being lifted from him.
karen had left the wolverine in her place when she'd crawled into logan's lap, which means that now her hands are on his cheeks, running through the hair of his sideburns, his mutton chops, whatever sort of facial hair he's got going on at this point. her eyes scan his features, then find his eyes, sparkling just a little. ]
Merry Christmas, Logan.
[ and then she'll kiss him again, probably let her hands start to roam. by the end of the night, they'll end up in their bed, wrapped up in each other, and karen will actually sleep. happy, content, with any of that weight or stress or worry from the night before packed down so deep she's sure she won't have to deal with it again. ]
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Date: 2026-01-10 03:12 am (UTC)it wouldn't be the first time - when she got too far into her own head and ruined something that was actually decent, something that was good. and she knows it's self-sabotaging, to get so wrapped up in something that has no real proof, to spiral so intensely that it ruins the entire holiday. she's being selfish, and she knows she is, and she needs to stop. because this? this with logan? is something she feels like she hasn't had in a long time.
a sense of security. a feeling of being seen. the routine that she and logan have built up is probably the only reason she's anywhere near as settled as she is. because this city? this place? it's not made for settling. the motels and transient nature of the population, the people who come and go - some who simply disappear out into the fringes, some who manage to find a place in the temporary nature of it all, it feels wrong. but it's also starting to feel a bit like home.
this - this room, with the tv on, sharing a meal logan's brought home, smiling across the table at each other - this feels like home. where she can look up and see a bit of a smile flicker cross logan's face, and her chest can flutter, the tiniest bit.
because somehow karen knows, and doesn't know, what this feels like. the closest she'd had to this had been a trailer in the woods, college parties and cocaine. it had been a boyfriend who she thought she loved and a dead-end life, where she had thought that had been the height of what she deserved. now? now she knows better. know when she takes the time to order him his favorite drink before he gets to the bar, it's because she loves him. knows that when she folds his socks, fixes his jeans, stacks his books up on his side of the bed, it's because she loves him. knows that, at the end of the day, when she is sitting at work waiting for the shift to end just so she can head home and sit on the bed with him, while they both sit up in bed with their books, or her checking the network, or-
it is home. this has become home. and while in the back of her head she is thinking about new york, about getting home, about her father and matt and foggy, that feeling in her chest that makes it urgent feels less and less intense, as the days go by.
no, no. i like it here. with you.
karen's smile, this time, feels a bit more... not hesitant, exactly, but pleased. like she hadn't been sure and hadn't realized how unsure she'd felt, until she asked. it's the kind of smile that is more to herself, as her eyes go down to her plate, her next bite, as her other hand tucks some of her hair behind her ear.
his question draws her attention back up, chewing through the bite of roll. ] Me? [ would she? want to be somewhere else? her eyes get a bit wide before she shakes her head, swallows. ] No, not at all. [ she reaches over and sets her hand on his wrist. ] This is exactly where I want to be.
[ she squeezes, once, and smiles at him - and it feels... too honest, in a lot of ways. like he can read her mind as she thinks god, what is wrong with me? this is perfect.
it's a moment or so later before she takes her hand back, reaching for her glass of wine. she considers briefly whether or not she wants to say anything. it's only after a sip that she exhales, and with that exhale the rest of her holding back seems to go with it.
because karen knows that logan is perceptive, and that he's more than likely picked up on her mood. she doubts he would ask, and she gets the feeling that would only make it worse, so. ]
I regret taking on shift last night. I would have rather spent it with you.
[ which is. the majority of the truth, even if it's not all of it. ]
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Date: 2026-01-11 01:25 am (UTC)But he's never done it how he has with Karen. Not for a long time. Somewhere buried under the vortex of his memories, he thinks of dark hair, blue eyes, and that might've been the first and last time he let himself really feel something for someone who returned it, who longer than a week with him.
(Except...)
He'd been fooling himself then. He wants to say he's not fooling himself now.
Her hand falls on his wrist. Logan smiles. When it comes down to it, he's always been shit at hiding how he feels; she can probably read the affection in his eyes, but also a flicker of a question. Because she's right: he can sense her moods, and she might mean it, saying that she doesn't want to be anywhere else, but something was obviously still bothering her this morning. Something she isn't saying.
Until she does.
Surprise flickers over his face. He leans back from his plate, balanced on his lap. That's what's on her mind? His posture relaxes slightly. Is that it? She just...missed him? He hadn't realized she might've wanted the evening together. He'd thought—y'know, they see each other plenty. Not that he doesn't like spending time with her, just. Didn't think it was that important to her. ]
You should've called.
[ The X-Men hardly needed him all night; it's enough he showed at all. Opened gifts. Put up the tree. Played a round of Jenga. By the time evening rolled around, he'd already been there a few hours, anyway, just setting up and making sure nothing collapsed or got set on fire. (Wiring's not foolproof yet, they still need a damn electrician in.)
He squeezes her hand back. Guess it was too late to back out on the day of, huh? But— ] I'd have left early to take you home.
[ He'd kinda missed her, too. He's always had an easier time falling asleep next to her. ]
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Date: 2026-01-13 02:13 am (UTC)and she's thankful, in a lot of ways, that logan has never asked her to. didn't ask why she didn't seem as affected as she probably should have been after learning about logan and cassian. why she can be so upset about wade hiding dead bodies behind the diner, but shoot down a creature in the back of a warehouse and not bother looking back. she feels like a hypocrite, more often than she doesn't ( and maybe that has more to do with this than she thought. )
except that for right now, logan smiles, and karen smiles at him back. she does feel the fondness, the affection. knows that what he feels is real- how he cares about her, how this is real, how they're both hovering somewhere around skittish and settled. logan, more than her, perhaps - but even karen is worried about what this might mean. how intense the feelings are, and how they feel like they just keep. growing. like now, when he smiles, with affection in his eyes and karen feels like she is something, like this is possible. but she also sees the question, knows that he's worried, and...
the surprise that flickers across his eyes almost has her pulling her hand back, just a bit. the briefest flick of worry. you should've called. ]
I know. [ and she feels bad for it. that she didn't call. that she didn't tell him while it was happening. she feelts guilty for being in a bad mood all day and a bit like she's single handedly ruined the entire holiday, and-
it wasn't her first christmas eve alone. it probably wouldn't be her last. but that isn't logan's problem, by any means- she should have texted, or called. she should have said something. she shouldn't have just sat at the bar and felt sorry for herself. god, she's pathetic, isn't she? this isn't her.
karen sighs, shakes her head a little and reaches up to comb back her hair from her face. a lot of it is just stalling, feeling small now that she's thinking back on it, but also. she exhales, and decides it's not really worth holding back onto anymore. ]
I just- I didn't want to take you away from your family. It felt... selfish?
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Date: 2026-01-13 03:52 am (UTC)He shakes his head. ] They got me the rest of the year. I was only putting chairs away by the end. [ He hesitates. ] I should've called, too. I just thought...you were busy. I don't know. You were out pretty late—
[ He exhales, feeling like a damn fool. Feeling bad that he let her come home alone and didn't show up 'til after she was in bed, but it didn't cross his mind she was by herself all night. He's wondering, did he miss something? Should they have made plans that evening, too?
He tucks her hair behind her ear. Kinda wish she'd mentioned this earlier, that's all. ] Look at me. Last thing you gotta do is worry about being selfish with me.
[ She's put up with a lot from him, okay? He's well aware of that. He's aware he took off on her that night, that he nearly got her hurt in that warehouse, that he sometimes leaves for days before returning with blood on his clothes. He's aware he nearly killed her friend, and she's still here, wanting to spend the day with him. So...yeah. It means a lot. She means a lot. If she'd asked him to leave early, he'd have done it.
In a way, he's gotta ask where she got the impression he wouldn't. Sure, he's close with the team. But it's not as if he's talked about them like he's attached at the hip. For all that Logan loves them, he's not the kind of guy who wants people hanging around him all hours, and he's not a big sharer. He brings them up when she asks him what he's been up to or where he's been. That's about it. He doesn't chat about them without prompting. Besides, what'd she want to hear about them, anyway? When he's with her, he's mostly thinking about her, not the team.
(Maybe here's where he could've said, You didn't have to take me away. You could've come in with us. We had a bunch of leftovers. He doesn't. It never crosses his mind to because what she's told him is, I wanted to be with you. And that's, well—it's not a problem that involves the others.) ]
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Date: 2026-01-22 11:36 pm (UTC)they got me the rest of the year. but so does she, in a way. so it doesn't make her less selfish, doesn't make her feel much better, especially when the small voice in the back of her mind says but i wanted to be there too. because that's what was selfish, in the end. coupled with the fact she just couldn't bring herself to what... say anything? to contact him? to tell him what she was worried about, or thinking, or why it screwed itself so tightly up in her chest? ]
No, no- this isn't on you. I'm sorry. I didn't- [ she shakes her head, though not enough to fully pull away from his hand on her cheek. if anything, she feels herself lean back into it. karen's eyes end up falling closed, exhaling once through her nose.
because it is her fault. it wasn't his responsibility to call. she had taken the shift and she hadn't texted him and he was with family. his people. of course he would be wrapped up in what he was doing, his focus would be on the moment, and that is part of what makes karen feel a bit sick to her stomach. that she feels so young, she feels so immature, she feels so selfish, again, to want something this much and want for logan to know it without her saying anything.
when he reaches up and tucks her hair behind her ear, that is what finally gets her eyes to his face again. they're wide, open, listening to the way he says she doesn't have to worry about being selfish with him, and karen... melts, in a way, her shoulders dropping and her expression softening at the words. for a moment, maybe two, her eyes just sort of scan over his face and features. what she feels, for a moment, is overwhelming. something full and overpowering, despite her knowing better. nothing about this city, or how they got here, or what has happened is easy. nothing is simple, nothing is uncomplicated, nothing is just... normal. but looking at logan in that moment, seeing him look back at her, part of her wonders if they can. ]
God, I love you.
[ it's said on an exhale, like it slips out of her without really realizing it, and in the moments that follow she feels her face get warm. feels the flush go across her cheeks, out to her ears, down her neck. in an effort to distract from it, she leans forward and kisses him, smiling as she pulls back.
in truth - it doesn't feel like a confession. the words that slip out aren't making her nervous, or like she should try and take them back. part of that comes from the fact she's been thinking it for so long, now. feels like she has felt it for so long that having it said aloud just feels natural. as natural as her smile, when she looks at him now. ]
We should do presents.
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Date: 2026-01-23 03:08 am (UTC)But some days, out here, he wonders if he could get a new start. You know? The Sentinels didn't follow them through whatever black hole sucked them here. Charles is right. There isn't anything left for him to go back to except the ashes of what he once called home. What he has here, this is it. So if he can look after the people he's found in this place, that's enough. Might even be a good thing. Might even give him something to be past the war he's been caught up in.
He wants that new start to involve Karen. And for a while, he thought it could. But tonight, he's realizing...he doesn't know. Even though she hasn't said it, even though she's telling him all she wanted was to spend more time with him, a small part of him's already decided that can't be the whole story. She sounds so goddamn lonely, it aches, and he feels stupidly blind to not have seen it before. Of course she's lonely. There's nothing here for her, in the same way there isn't anything back home for him. All she's got is a shitty diner job and him, and the idea that he'd ever be a reason for her to let go of the life she had, that she no doubt wants back, is fucking ridiculous.
(And that's okay. It is. It just also begins a steadily growing certainty that whatever he has with her, he can't pretend it'll last.)
I love you escapes her so easily, he nearly misses it at first. Logan blinks. Then her lips are on his, and maybe that's the reason she doesn't glimpse the flicker across his face as his brain whirls along. He lets his eyes fall shut, leaning into the kiss.
It's nice to hear. Warm.
By the time he pulls back, he's wearing a small smile. He's letting it happen, okay? He's not gonna think about how she's wasting those words on him (she is), and he's not gonna act like he doesn't feel the same when he does. ]
Yeah? [ He rolls his thumb over her fingers. ] Me, too.
[ It's quiet, not exactly tentative, but not really something he admits often out loud. He doesn't let himself hover in that space too long, either, standing up when she brings up presents. Under the tree is a glittery gold bag printed with snowflakes. Her name's written on the tag in surprisingly neat cursive—remnants of muscle memory, perhaps, from the studious, bed-bound boy he used to be. ]
Ladies first.
[ He's gone out of his way not to be too practical about what he got her. The practical stuff, he gives her on the daily. He'd wanted this to be special. More. So inside, she'll find a couple of things: a pair of earrings that he might've had some help picking out because they somehow (mostly) match the outfit she wore on their first date despite the fact that Logan can't match jewellery to save his life; and a stuffed toy—a wolverine, specifically. The reason for it is around its neck, the chain wrapped a couple of times, his dog tag hanging from the end. Just one, its twin long snapped off.
Ever since he found it, he's been wondering what to do with it. Been burning a hole in his pocket. It's his and it isn't. He got rid of it for a reason. Now it's found its way back, a carved-out chunk of his history.
He hasn't shared it with her, that side of him. He figures...maybe it's about time. Maybe it won't hurt to give over one more piece of himself. ]
no subject
Date: 2026-02-13 11:05 pm (UTC)because Logan looks at this room, with a tree in the corner and presents wrapped and stacked, silverware that she brought home from her diner job and the motel room, a little cooler than karen would necessarily like, but it’s easier to put on extra socks than deal with the fire hazard of the in-room heater. logan sees this all as a chance, as something more normal than he has waiting for him if he does ever decide to go home, and karen… karen is happy with what they’ve pulled together. with the cobbling of a life that has happened. but even with all that they’ve brought together, with each set of decorations or each holiday they go out for, with each day they spend curled up watching some off-brand show while Logan flips through worn paperbacks, she can’t shake the feeling that something about this all is temporary.
because it has to be, doesn’t it? this city, the nightmares out in the fringes… she can’t be here for the rest of her life. not with Matt and Foggy back home, her dad, her life. ( and maybe she thinks about frank, maybe she doesn’t. maybe she can’t quite bring herself to think that he would be there when she got back, considering how they last left things. )
logan is, whether she means for him to be or not, the only steadying force she has. the motel room, the job at the diner, her car- he is an inextricable part of the only consistent things she has. even wade is tied into him, and through this - through him - she’s made it as far as she has. there’s a voice in the back of her head that whispers how dangerous that can be, just how much she’s ignoring how dependent she is, but she also thinks that’s okay. that can be okay. didn’t he just tell her that she didn’t have to worry about being selfish with him? up until now that had simply been how things were, their relationship, their lives. Now?
now she can’t help but notice the scratch in the record, the skip over the tune.
karen had wanted him to invite her to spend christmas with his family because, in part, she’d wanted to feel like she was as much of logan’s life as he was of her’s. had wanted to feel like she was as important to him, as wound as tightly to him, as he was to her. but maybe that’s impossible. maybe that was never, truly, possible.
maybe that was just the first crack at the stone wall.
I love you comes too easily, maybe, but it is the truth - she feels it with her whole chest, her whole heart. and while she tries to cut herself off from caring about the reaction, a part of her looks for the reaction. catches, if only briefly, the blink before she kisses him, and then the warm smile he’s wearing when she pulls away. it settles (but doesn’t remove) that unsettled feeling in her chest, makes her breathe a little easier.
me, too
that is enough for her right now, she decides, and then she mentions presents and logan is already on his feet. karen resettles on the worn out couch, her expression light and expressive when he grabs for one of the bags with beautiful cursive on the tag and hands it over to her. she looks to him with a bright, almost childish sort of smile as he says ladies first. ]
If you insist.
[ she’s careful with the tissue paper and the wrapping, and even more so when she reaches the gift itself. the earrings she unpacks first, her eyes brightening at the sight of them. her attention goes from the jewelry to logan, immediately clocking the similar color, the outfit, the connection that he must have thoughts about. it fills her chest with a kind of sparkling, intense light. depending on if he has settled down next to her on the couch or across from her on the small table, she is going to reach over to wherever he is and kiss him. ] I love them. [ and it’s genuine, the kind of thing she is going to cherish, be careful with, wear for specific dates or dinners or something where it shows how much they’ll matter to her.
it will be another moment or so - possibly even some casual nudging from Logan - to get her to realize there’s something else in the bag. she gives him a look, the kind of this is too much expression as she reaches in and pulls out the stuffed toy. she turns it over in her hands, curious at first as to what the animal even is before she locks it, and then before she sees the glint of the chain. her fingers follow the chain around its neck until they come to the dog tag.
karen’s brow furrows, just briefly, as she reads the name and then her eyes flick up to Logan, feeling a few details that he has told her, scattered throughout their time together, almost fit into place. ] What’s this? [ she asks, gentle and curious, even though she thinks she knows.
maybe, perhaps, she just wants to hear it from him directly, too. ]
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Date: 2026-02-14 12:13 am (UTC)The jewellery's not the important bit, though. She seems to recognize that, too. Logan reaches out, lifting the old worn-down tag with his finger. ]
When I first came to, really came to and started putting together where I was, who I was—I was wearing this. I remember staring at it for fucking ages, trying to remember where the hell it came from. [ He exhales quietly. It's complicated. ] After I came to the X-Men, I kept the name. That's what they started calling me. Wolverine.
[ Magneto refers to it as a mutant name, your true name. The kids liked to think of it as a secret name or a code name, eager to pick them out for each other. Charles sees his as an affectionate nickname from the students. For Logan, it's less straightforward. He doesn't recall choosing it. Must've earned it at some point, he expects, but either way, he did choose to keep it and use it. It means something to him. He's as much the Wolverine as he is Logan, and truth is, if Karen lived in his world, she'd probably already know it by now. Might've even heard it before she met him.
Here, he hasn't left his mark the same. It's not a negative, exactly. He's got a lot of regrets. A long list of enemies. Things that simply aren't nipping at his heels on the Diadem. Clean-slated.
Except that's not altogether true, either, is it? 'Cause sure, most people here don't know him or his reputation, but he knows. He knows what he did. He knows the kind of person he was, the kind of person he can become again. He's always guarded his past carefully as a result. But he doesn't think he needs to do that so much with Karen anymore.
Anyway.
He lifts the stuffed toy and gives it a gentle squeeze, wiggling one of its fuzzy paws at her. ] Thought he might keep you company when I'm not around.
[ When he's working late or whatever, he means. ]
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Date: 2026-02-14 03:33 am (UTC)she notices a few things that she's not sure she's supposed to focus on - his complicated exhale, the distant way he says where the hell it came from. how there is something off about 'i kept the name' and 'that's what they started calling me'. wolverine.
ah. she looks at the stuffed toy, the wolverine of its own kind, and then can't help but smile - turning the face of the stuffy towards her and tilting its head a little, before turning it back to him just in time for him to reach forward and lift the plush. with her hands free, she softens a bit, watching him stare at the wolverine plush and wiggling one of its paws at her.
thought he might keep you company when i'm not around.
karen stills - not because anything he says catches her, but because she suddenly feels overwhelmed. by logan, by this, by the moment and the care and the thought he's so obviously put into it. it makes her feel a little small, but also makes her feel so seen, so much that she doesn't know what to do with it. so for a few moments, she just sort of watches the stuffed animal, watches as logan waves one of its paws at her, and then - with somewhat watery eyes, reaches for the stuffed animal back. she presses a kiss to the top of its head. ]
I love him. [ which sounds... somehow different, somehow more than how she'd said it about the earrings. she takes her time to untangle the tag and slip it over her head, running her thumb over it for a moment or two before shaking her head and wiping away the corner of her eyes and exhaling a laugh. ]
Wow. How am I supposed to follow that? I should have gone first. [ she hands the stuffed animal to logan, more so to make sure he has something to do with his hands, as she stands to gather her gifts for him - three distinct packages that she sets at his feet before returning to her seat, and taking back the wolverine.
inside each, depending on which one he opens first, will be:
- a guardian bell for his motorbike, simple, without much design.
- a box full of about four or five paperback novels, though most of them are probably strange parodies she did manage to at least fine one john steinback
- a watch, older, well-worn but well-tended, with an inscription on the back.
until he decides how he wants to go about opening them, karen's going to sit, somewhat nervous, somewhat excited, holding tight to the stuffed wolverine. ]
no subject
Date: 2026-02-14 05:48 pm (UTC)But she looks more affected than he thought.
He softens, watching her kiss the wolverine's fluffy head. The stitching on one of its eyes is lopsided, locking it in permanent consternation.
Then his eyebrow cocks at series of packages. ] I don't know. [ He reaches for the nearest one. ] It's looking like you went the extra mile.
[ He slits the tape with a single extended claw, folding back the cheerful wrapping paper. The book titles get a light chuckle out of him, and the bell is...not surprising, just. Not a tradition he expected she's familiar with, but it's sweet. The watch is what takes him a moment, though, before his thumb finds the grooves at the back. He'd mentioned, offhand, that he needs another watch—smashed it in the crash earlier that month, the one he hasn't told her about and likely won't—but the engraving at the back, that's...
Oh. Yeah. He remembers. Not because he gave a damn about the song, but because she'd said she liked it and so he'd started to listen. ]
You know, you're the first girl who's gotten me onto the dance floor in two decades. [ He'd do it again, with her. He tugs her close, lips brushing hers, a breath releasing after like a weight lifting. ] Thank you.
[ For the presents, sure, but. For being here, mostly. With him. ]
wrapping!!
Date: 2026-02-22 05:57 pm (UTC)and now that she's got the stuffed wolverine in her arms and the dog tags around her neck, she feels... ridiculous. for even thinking as much. instead, she's full of that same feeling of being seen, of being appreciated, of being loved, and it makes her feel a little punch drunk with it. ]
They're not that big. I just thought you might need them, and- [ she shrugs, reaches for her glass and takes a long sip as she watches him unwrap them. she makes some comment, added thoughts she had around the books (some were her favorite, some she's not actually sure if its the same book she remembers, one that she has no idea what it's supposed to be about but looked interested) and the bell (a tradition she is familiar with, though only partially). it's when he starts to unwrap the watch that she quiets, watches him look it over, find the engraving.
at his words, she breaks into a smile - feeling the relief of a present landing - and lets him pull her close. she uses the momentum of him pulling her in to get her knee over his legs, effectively straddling him across the couch as he pulls her in for a kiss. she smiles into it, liking the sound of his breath, of the weight being lifted from him.
karen had left the wolverine in her place when she'd crawled into logan's lap, which means that now her hands are on his cheeks, running through the hair of his sideburns, his mutton chops, whatever sort of facial hair he's got going on at this point. her eyes scan his features, then find his eyes, sparkling just a little. ]
Merry Christmas, Logan.
[ and then she'll kiss him again, probably let her hands start to roam. by the end of the night, they'll end up in their bed, wrapped up in each other, and karen will actually sleep. happy, content, with any of that weight or stress or worry from the night before packed down so deep she's sure she won't have to deal with it again. ]